Eventually, I started to realize that it wasn’t my job to make my ex-husband feel like a man. I started to realize that no matter what I did, he wasn’t happy, he made every effort to make sure I felt less than who I was, unworthy, illegitimate, improper. Nothing I did was good enough, I was not celebrated, I was not appreciated and eventually, it turned to pure animosity.

I still have true suspicions that his marriage to me was under false pretences on his end. He even later referred to me as a “curse”. I am not saying I was always the best, but I know my intentions were good and I work hard on doing better. My marriage wasn’t all bad, just like my childhood wasn’t all bad. I recall good times in my marriage, my expectancy, however, was that the good times in my marriage would far outweigh the bad and that my then-husband would love me. Alas, if that was the case, I would not be writing this. But then again, in all of that, God did not leave my side.

You see, I gave my life to Christ around age 13, and backslid eventually, I rededicated my life to Christ in 2002. Since then, I have had a bumpy road with Christ, for years I had an “on again off again” relationship with him. I remember my cousin telling me once like you do need to get straight with Christ. This was after she asked me how my walk with Christ was and I gave her the usual “so so”. Now before some of the fanatics out there try to claim the reason negative things were happening in my life was that I didn’t know God, please I would like to inform you that negative things happen even when we are close to God, remember Job?

Anyway, before I digress. Back to the story. Some years into my marriage, I did get serious with God, but I found myself angry, bitter and harbouring malice in my heart because of my then-husband. It was hard to worship and to stay focused on God. Not sure whether that was the type of torn on the side Apostle Paul was referring to in the Bible, but it sure felt like it. I tell the story of one day, my ex had done something to me, as was his modus operandi. My Aunty called to check on me and I was so angry that I was shouting while driving, at some point she asked whether I had eaten and I blurted out, “No I haven’t, I’m fasting!” She laughed gently and said, “Ada, you are not fasting, please go and eat biko”. She was right, how could I be fasting as angry and vengeful as I was? How could I focus on God in the situation I was in? It was becoming more and more difficult. Not only that, I started feeling the nudge that I had to leave. You know the feeling someone gets when they feel the structure they are in is about to collapse and they need to get out to save their lives.