Fast forward to some years later I struggled with low self-esteem, inferiority complex, social isolation, and trust issues, all through my primary and secondary schools, I had no close friends.  I did well academically which was a divine gift but my academic performance never pacified the brokenness I felt within.  In my University days I was what is described as a triangular student; from lectures to church and back to the hostel.  Social life for me was a total waste of time and a compromise to the rigid standard I had grown used to.  I needed to be on the defensive all the time to feel safe.  Nothing about life made much sense to me however hard I tried to adjust.

I graduated and all I wanted was to get a job and face my life. I didn’t have any personal ambition, no relationship with the opposite sex, no social life. I couldn’t have been able to attribute this lack to the abuse because that experience has a way of numbing desires for pursuit.  It puts the victim in a self-pity, entitlement mentality.    It was later when God delivered me that he showed me how my hurt messed up my life and relationship with people.  I felt abandoned and unfit for love and I fell into masturbation.  I struggled with this demon for 2 years, crying each time to God for help.  My spiritual life was deteriorating.  I needed to do something but didn’t know what.  I tried opening up for a relationship because I felt that having an intimate relationship would probably help me feel better. None of the 3 relationships I tried then was successful.  I was acting rigid, fearful, and untrusting.  No one wanted to deal with such.  The only relationship that gave me a little sense of hope happened with a married man.  At first, I didn’t know he was married but my sincerity and openness forced him to confess that he was having marital challenges and wanted to remarry. I knew my life was already a mess but I still upheld self-discipline and integrity, and having an affair with a married man was a no, no.  I encouraged him not to remarry but to work things out with his wife.  He is still married to his wife and remains grateful for my advice. 

After this encounter, I decided to focus on my life and worry less about finding love.  I had yet to get a job all these years after graduation.   What was wrong with me? What kind of life was this?  I saw my mates either working or married with kids and felt more frustrated by life.  So, I began visiting prophetic churches. One year later and nothing changed.  It was at this point I went back to God for some explanations.  I cried every night and day questioning God about my life and what he created me for.  Certainly, not for this kind of a mess.  I began searching for a deep connection with God.  I left my Catholic faith in the course of this search and joined another church.  I started listening to spiritual messages that helped build my faith and spirituality.  I prayed better with God’s word and understood the power of God’s love for me.  My life started experiencing newness, peace, and hope…